Struggles

Today has been an interesting day at the very least. I finally remembered to take my medicine that I’ve been forgetting to take but almost as soon as I took it I could feel it hit my system cause I started to feel a little sick. I hadn’t eaten anything yet and my medicine makes it so I have no appetite so that was a bad combination on my part. Then my medicine also gets me moving, like a lot, so I started cleaning my room and everything like crazy, I was sweating and even a little out of breath when I realized my sternum was hurting super bad. It was then I remembered that it’s strongly advised against doing exercise or a lot of physical labor while wearing a binder because it can really hurt your body. So once I noticed the pain I had to take a moment to rest after taking my binder off but because my medicine gives me lots of energy I felt useless and restless. Before any of that happened though, right when I had started cleaning (I was emptying out one of my dresser drawers so that I could put all of my gerbil’s food bags, treats, and such in there) I found something that my ex had given me many years ago. It was a little figurine that I used to rest on top of my computer when I still only had a desktop computer. I looked at it for a while and then I started bawling like crazy, had to sit down and everything because it hit me pretty hard. I decided that I’d ride it out and let myself cry for once because I could probably use it after all the shitty things that have been going on at work for me. Once I started to calm down a bit I then texted my ex telling him about how I had found it. It really didn’t take long for me to calm down after that and we talked for a while, but of course like every conversation I have with him he eventually stopped responding. I’ve gotten used to it by now but before it was really hard for me to deal with that and the fact that we RARELY talk ever. But I know now it’s for the best because I put him through hell and I have fucked up his life enough that I really don’t need to keep trying because I know I’ll just fuck shit up again and screw him over. It’s hard though, we dated 3 years, my borderline personality disorder fucked up the relationship hard core and for whatever reason I felt like I HAD to break up with him. I’m still not over it or him and I don’t know if I ever will be, either way I know it’s best to avoid dating anyone now and to avoid trying to speak to him too much.

It’s just better for everyone if I stay single so I don’t drag anyone else through the hell I unintentionally create.

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