Photos

I didn’t get any good pictures today with my wigs on because I was inside all day but here are some of my favorite photos that I did take today 🙂

 

 

Hope you like them as much as I do, I’ll be drawing some in the next few days so keep your eyes peeled for any art that I might post with some blurbs about the feeling/thought/emotion I put into it.

Back from Gen Con 2016

Had a lot of fun, got kinda sick before and after but thankfully not while I was there.

I really wanna go visit one of my friends now cause I found out they actually only live an hour away from me and I love them and totally want to smooch their face but shhhhhhhh ❤

Lol anyways I had a lot of fun and it was really nice to see old friends again. I did buy stuff for new cosplays so I may post some pictures in my new wigs or something I dunno yet

¯\_(ツ)_/¯   -C

Poetry

I randomly decided to pull out an old sketchbook because I wanted to use any of the left over paper to practice some calligraphy but as I started to flip through the pages I found an old poem I wrote for my poetry class my senior year of high school. I read it and I think it’s really good so I thought I’d type it up to share it with whomever. It is untitled but anyways here it is:

Crumbling like a piece of chalk under a sledgehammer,

Depression presses its weight upon me,

More baggage to carry upon my back,

Feeling like any moment I might crack,

The weight is simply too much to bear.

The day blurs together with the night,

And time seems to endlessly drag on.

Without the energy or will to do anything,

My bed becomes my oasis.

My thoughts pester me constantly through the day,

And haunt me all throughout the night.

The thinking will never stop and it drives me insane,

All because I know that thinking too much

Is what put me in this situation to begin with.

What once was an oasis is now a bear trap.

The spring triggered, the jaws snapped shut,

What once gave me serenity now causes me agony.

Depression is a vacuum, there is no easy escape.

But there is an escape.

A bright shining star amidst the darkness,

It is right in front of my face but

Just barely out of my reach.

Escaping depression is no easy feat,

It requires patience, love, time, and hope,

But it is not impossible.

This I know for a fact.

I really like this poem and I think I wrote it really well but I also feel kinda like shit when I read it because it’s so hopeful and positive and I’m so depressed most of the time now it just makes me wonder where all that hope and positivity went. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Struggles

Today has been an interesting day at the very least. I finally remembered to take my medicine that I’ve been forgetting to take but almost as soon as I took it I could feel it hit my system cause I started to feel a little sick. I hadn’t eaten anything yet and my medicine makes it so I have no appetite so that was a bad combination on my part. Then my medicine also gets me moving, like a lot, so I started cleaning my room and everything like crazy, I was sweating and even a little out of breath when I realized my sternum was hurting super bad. It was then I remembered that it’s strongly advised against doing exercise or a lot of physical labor while wearing a binder because it can really hurt your body. So once I noticed the pain I had to take a moment to rest after taking my binder off but because my medicine gives me lots of energy I felt useless and restless. Before any of that happened though, right when I had started cleaning (I was emptying out one of my dresser drawers so that I could put all of my gerbil’s food bags, treats, and such in there) I found something that my ex had given me many years ago. It was a little figurine that I used to rest on top of my computer when I still only had a desktop computer. I looked at it for a while and then I started bawling like crazy, had to sit down and everything because it hit me pretty hard. I decided that I’d ride it out and let myself cry for once because I could probably use it after all the shitty things that have been going on at work for me. Once I started to calm down a bit I then texted my ex telling him about how I had found it. It really didn’t take long for me to calm down after that and we talked for a while, but of course like every conversation I have with him he eventually stopped responding. I’ve gotten used to it by now but before it was really hard for me to deal with that and the fact that we RARELY talk ever. But I know now it’s for the best because I put him through hell and I have fucked up his life enough that I really don’t need to keep trying because I know I’ll just fuck shit up again and screw him over. It’s hard though, we dated 3 years, my borderline personality disorder fucked up the relationship hard core and for whatever reason I felt like I HAD to break up with him. I’m still not over it or him and I don’t know if I ever will be, either way I know it’s best to avoid dating anyone now and to avoid trying to speak to him too much.

It’s just better for everyone if I stay single so I don’t drag anyone else through the hell I unintentionally create.

I’m just too tired

Seems like I just can’t get enough sleep lately. When I wake up in the morning I’m so groggy it feels like I took my sleep medicine but I haven’t taken any of that for weeks. I’ve also been eating entirely too much food these past couple weeks…. stupid depression either gives me insatiable hunger or no appetite at all. And ooooh buddy has this particular bout of depression been shit-tastic. Let me tell you it is really freaking hard to get anything done when you’re constantly thinking about the futility of life and how pointless everything is. Normally without this shitty depression i have no difficulties with self-motivation, but right now i can barely get anything started and nothing seems to be getting finished either. I don’t even know what I’ve been doing lately, just sitting around I guess? Throwing a pity party for myself or something, I don’t even know, the days just blend together and I’d rather sleep my life away than try to accomplish stuff.

Bah I’m gonna come back to this later, I need to actually get stuff done right now.

Edit: and then nothing got done that day, I never added anything onto this and I didn’t even publish it until today. I’m really bad about saying I need to get things done and then never doing any of them.

First blog post

Yes hello, hi it is me Caitlyn or Caden. I am the person that will be posting various ramblings here as well as the occasional drawing with explanation of my feelings/meanings behind it. Honestly this is more for me so I’m not really looking to get a bunch of watchers or followers or whatever they are on this website. I’m mostly just looking for a place where I can spout what I’m thinking or feeling and if people are interested then cool and if not then also cool. Think of this as an open journal or diary, my personal thoughts will be going in here but I don’t mind if you see it open and decide to flip through a few pages. It’ll give some people a chance to see what goes on in my life/my head but keep in mind the latter tends to be very dark so try to take it in stride I suppose. That’s all I really have right now, so here’s some generic information on who I am behind this screen here.

Name: Caitlyn, I also go by Caden, MyMageOfDoom, Doom, or OrangeyPeels

Birthday: Feb. 28th 1996, I’ll be turning 21 next year if you don’t wanna do the math

Gender: Neutral

Preferred Pronouns: She/her or They/them just try to avoid calling me a girl/lady/woman it really ticks me off

Sexuality: Pansexual, I’m also a single Pringle but never ready to mingle

Hobbies: Drawing, more drawing, sleeping, shoving food in my face, dropping food on myself, playing with my gerbil, making things for my gerbil, avoiding people, working too much, watching YouTube videos, and playing various video games

Favorite food: it’s a tie right now between various pastas and anything chocolate

Night Owl or Early Bird? Sleep, I’m a sleep person.

Work: I’m a cashier at a grocery store, it’s similar to hell, I also house sit for my parents’ coworkers (Working too much trying to pay off hospital bills smh)

I dunno I’m out of fuel now, feel free to throw questions at me and I may answer them? I’m tired, I’m always tired….